


How Do I Let You Know?

by gayestaqua



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Mess, Heavy Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentioned Sonia Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, anyways pls read i need the serotonin, both of them are teenagers in this, times were hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:34:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24953881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayestaqua/pseuds/gayestaqua
Summary: "But Eddie, boys can't like boys, remember?"But what if they do, Ma?""Oh, Eddie-bear, I don't want you to worry about these kind of things. Respectful children like you don't like boys. You're not a queer, are you?""Of course not, Ma. I like girls."
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	How Do I Let You Know?

**Author's Note:**

> i found this on my laptop from 2834 years ago and it wasnt even supposed to be a one shot but i clearly am not meant for commitment. anyways i didnt even proofread this just dont laugh at me im trying my best (also idk why the pov keeps switching from richie to eddie i apologize i have no idea what was going through my mind when i wrote this)

The smell of rain and wet grass filled his nostrils as he trailed along the path of- 

Of what exactly, he wasn't sure. His vision was too blurry and his head was spinning and he wasn't sure if the small rocks littered on the ground were actual rocks or small stars caused by his almost-drunken state.

Richie wasn't drunk, no. He didn't even drink. He could count to thirty with his eyes closed, and he could walk home alright. If he stumbled a bit here and there, that wasn't his fault.

If anything, it was Eddie's. Eddie, with his stupid face and his stupid voice and his stupid smile and his stupid everything.

Richie hated him, but not in the way you would hate your rival nor in the way you had such a strong dislike for your English teacher. It wasn't even in the way you'd hate your neighbor for playing music a little too loud at night, and not even in the way you'd hate the taste of medicine that lingered in your mouth even hours after you took it.

It was hate, but the more appropriate word was love. Yearning. Hate for something so damn perfect that you couldn't help but feel a sting in your chest every time you even dared to look at it. It was hate for the way his eyes sparkled in the sun when he laughed, the way tears threatened to fall from his gracious eyes that you couldn't help but want to kiss them away. The way his cheeks would redden every time Richie got just a bit too close. Of course, Richie would pretend not to notice these things.

He pretended not to notice how heavy his breathing got every time Eddie laughed at one of his jokes, or the way Eddie would try - and fail - to scurry away from Richie's embrace. Richie felt a pang at his chest every time Eddie did, so he tightened the grip on him. To not let him go. 

Eddie was so sure that Richie couldn't possibly like him back, because, _but Eddie, boys can't like boys, remember?_

_"But what if they do, Ma?"_

_"Oh, Eddie-bear, I don't want you to worry about these kind of things. Respectful children like you don't like boys. You're not a queer, are you?"_

_"Of course not, Ma. I like girls."_

_"Well, don't like them a bit too much, Eddie. I better not hear you've been looking up their skirts._ "

Things were just like that around here. And while Eddie may not have understood what he felt towards Richie back then was love, because that was forbidden and taboo and sinful, he still never wanted to let Richie go. No matter how many hugs he's pulled away from and how many playful punches Richie's shoulder received, it was all purely because Eddie didn't know what to do or how to think properly whenever he was pressed against his best friend's chest. 

Eddie looked up at Richie through his lashes and saw what he must've thought to be the most gorgeous sight ever. Richie was gazing down at him softly, all playfulness in his eyes was replaced by pure fondness and adoration so strong that even a twelve year old Eddie could feel, not even knowing a damn thing about love or crushes or sexuality.

Eddie could see that if he tilted his head slightly to the right and Richie leaned down a bit, their lips would touch. Eddie felt guilty for getting excited at that thought, so he just tried to wiggle out of Richie's grip. Richie only tightened his arms around him, and Eddie could hear his heart beat. Oh, so soft, almost like a melody, Eddie was sure he could fall asleep to it. He felt bad for having thoughts like that about Richie, so he punched Richie's arm gently, with no real meaning behind his action. And whenever he did that, he could swear Richie's heartbeat fastened a little. Instead of it going like one, two, three, four, five, it was more like a faster rhythm, a onetwothreefour.

Eddie felt ashamed for what probably was the fifth time that day for thinking Richie could ever like boys. Richie was kind and well-raised, and even if he did joke around inappropriately at times, he could never turn out to be a queer. Not like Eddie was.  
  
But what he did not actually know was that Richie was having the exact same thoughts about him. Those exact same sinful thoughts that his mother had warned him about. And maybe that was a bit comforting to think about, but Richie did not show any real interest in Eddie other than the stolen glances and the hushed giggles. Richie even had a girlfriend. 

And as he came back home stumbling around, Richie's only thought was _Bad, bad, bad!_

And he knew exactly how bad and unfair everything was. He knew he should not have been going out with her, when he obviously did not like her. She obviously did not like him too. Richie suspected she might be a dyke. And that is why he never really broke up with her. She needed this relationship just as much as he did. Though, the only person he ever actually wanted was Eddie. _Goddamn, Eddie. How do I let you know?_

But he was afraid he never might. He was moving soon, and he was afraid Eddie might just forget him. Eddie told him he would never, that he will always remember the times they had shared together. But Richie knew that was a lie. How many of your parents are still friends with their high school friends now? Most likely none. And that hurt Richie. He knew he would always remember Eddie, because he loved him. And that was probably the only time he will ever say it out loud, but he was in love. With a _boy._

 _"I'm in love. With Eddie. My boy," he whispered breathlessly out loud. He sat down on the ground, his lips quivering and tears swelling up in his eyes. He let them fall. "I am in love with a_ boy. _"_


End file.
